Do you feel like you're a fraud, like any minute now someone is going to figure out you have no idea what you're doing? Like you don't deserve your success, you haven't earned it or you don't have the skills to be where you are?
Do you feel like you're never good enough, are you full of self-doubt and shame?
I've been there and to be honest, I still go there at times. In really professional therapeutic terms.....IT SUCKS.
So many women I support, know &/or love have shared that they have or still often think that they're skimming by in life on constant flukes, like they don't feel they deserve what they've worked for, that someone is going to find out they really don't measure up, like others will see through this invisible mask they've put on.
These women are often highly successful, they present to others as put together and confident, but inside they're batting crippling self-doubt.
WHAT, WHY & HOW does this happen?
According to Psychology Today, 25-30% of high achievers suffer from imposter syndrome regularly
and 70% of individuals experience it at least once. It is more common in women and even more prevalent in women of colour.
To read more, find the article here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/imposter-syndrome
Imposter syndrome is closely related to perfectionism, self-efficacy (struggling to believe you have the skills to reach your goals) and neuroticism (being overly critical or one's self or work).
SOUND LIKE YOU? I've got you....
Tip #1 - STOP comparing yourself to others.
Focus on YOU. Focus on what you've done, what you CAN do, what makes you feel successful, what makes you compelled to keep trying. Remember a compliment you've received in the past, or that time you felt good about what you did, perhaps a time when you took a step towards your goal.
DO NOT focus on what others have achieved, what they've done or can do. Think about this - Do you compare your childhood to theirs, do you compare your socks to theirs, do you compare your favourite food to theirs, how about your ability to put on your shoes as quickly as them? That sounds incredibly ridiculous right? It is NOT any different than comparing your achievements to theirs! We all work, we all eat, we all sleep AND we ALL do everything a little differently based on who we are, where we came from, our lived experiences, childhood & more.
We've all heard the saying that comparison is the thief of joy so stop robbing yourself, stop stealing away your glimmers of joy and start giving yourself compassion, grace & patience.
"WHAT DO I DO INSTEAD THEN?!?!", YOU ASK.
Compare yourself....to yourself. Look at where you are today, how far you've come, how much you've done, grown, seen, and compare that to you a month ago, a year ago, 2 years go, 10 years ago.
Comparing yourself to your old self is a great way to assess your progress and redirect your way forward.
"WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS NOT OUT THERE, IT'S IN YOU" – unknown
Tip #2 - Acknowledge your expertise & accomplishments.
Q's: What are you skilled at? What have you been able to help others with? What have you accomplished that landed you where you are today? How have you made others feel good, do better, feel supported? What are your strengths?
STICH COMING....try and answer those questions WITHOUT self-doubt or sabotage. If you made it this far in the blog, I would guess that may be harder than you realize, am I right?
If you hear your inner-voice starting to pull you into remembering that one time you made a mistake, or if it's trying to force you to focus on some setbacks rather than a job well-done, tell it to shush up and focus on answering those questions in a way that you might for your best-friend, sister, co-worker (aka without being self-deprecating and negative and instead with encouragement, self-compassion and kindness).
How would you answer those questions if you spoke from a place of truly loving yourself?
Tip #3 - Learn to become comfortable with making mistakes.
I had no idea how to leave my secure school system job to start a private practice, how to create a website, how to start a business, how to find clients, and I was crippled with self-doubt and fear. The shame monster was yelling at me OFTEN & LOUDLY, but I used the tools to mitigate the negative & unhelpful inner dialogue. I started reading about what I wanted to do, I started looking to others who achieved some of what I wanted, I read their tips, talked to them, learned from them, I just started doing things one tiny choice at a time.
Did I do everything right, perfectly and in the best way? HA! Heck no, BUT I now realize that through these tiny choices, I grew, I felt more brave and this led me to feeling more confident to make more choices and that is it.... progress creates more progress.
Do I still worry about making mistakes? ABSOLUTELY but I am more comfortable making them because I realized that through making mistakes, I still survived, I still kept going and I still saw that things eventually start to fall into place. I realized that mistakes aren't so scary if you don't give them the power to be scary. I realized that focusing on the progress, rather than the mistakes, is an incredibly helpful tool, one that works.
With ACTION comes movement and movement propels you forward from doubt. Action leads to confidence, it wasn't confidence that led me to action surprisingly enough, it was my actions that grew my confidence.
Chances are you've probably been waiting a while anyway, so why wait any longer? Is the risk more than the reward? DO IT! You've got this. One little choice at a time.
Tip #4 - Get professional support.
The idea of therapy feels scary for some, but therapy doesn't have to be scary and it is far different than what majority think it is. Therapy looks so very different depending on who you are seeing and what you want to work on. It's important to do a bit of research, schedule a few initial consults to find a good fit, the fit is the most important.
If you're curious about my working style, schedule a free consultation and let's chat! Button below!
Talking about your imposter syndrome, talking about self-doubt, learning about your unhelpful thinking traps & patterns, and learning new ways to cope with that pesky bullying self-talk can be a game changer. You deserve that, everyone does.
"WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT ALL ALONE. WE WERE NEVER MEANT TO" – brene brown
DON'T LET IMPOSTER SYNDROME KEEP YOU FROM BELIEVING IN YOURSELF & SEEING YOUR POTENTIAL...
You don't deserve to feel this way, you don't deserve to bully yourself into thinking you didn't earn where you are and what you have today.
You deserve to see yourself with love, appreciation, self-worth & strength.♥
If you or someone you know is struggling with their self-image, including imposter syndrome, self-doubt or more, please reach out to a therapist. Like what you read? You can book a free & brief phone consultation with me here: www.jbmtherapy.janeapp.com.
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